have you found yourself?
I was running with the dog behind the motel in Trinidad, Colorado, when I met him, an attractive young man smoking on the patio. I forgot how the conversation started, but the vibe felt right, and eventually we were exchanging stories ranging from moving families from coast to coast to the difficulty in watching the mental health of our elders deteriorate in the latter part of their lives. At some point, he asked me if I had any advice to give him, and I responded, I don’t really know. I used to think I could give people advice about their lives, but nowadays I think we all have to make our own choices, and we all figure out what’s best for ourselves.
I invited him to walk with me and the dog, to get some exercise and keep warm in the cold. At one point he asked me, “have you found yourself?” Surprisingly, quickly, I said, “yes.” In my mind, I thought, I’m enjoying this pleasant walk and conversation with a new friend whom I had just met in the last hour. And I’d been living the past couple months with a simple approach that had come together for me: savor the enjoyable moments, and be patient with the challenging moments as they pass. I wasn’t really seeking “myself” anymore, I’m living.
Other metaphors came to mind:
- at home
- groundedness
- equanimity
- comfortable in my own skin
- being in the present moments
- flow zone
- enlightened
- awake
- i am enough
- at peace
- content
- being with things as they are
Different ways to describe this experience.
I want to clarify what that could look like, though. I had a conversation with my counselor once, and we both agreed on the necessity of avoiding “toxic positivity,” where one is trying so hard to be happy all the time, despite the realities of unpleasant things in the world. I quipped, maybe there’s toxic positivity, toxic negativity, and even healthy negativity. I imagine the four square might look like this:
Unpleasant Experiences
- Unhealthy Responses: Strong Negativity, Force / Fake Happiness
- Healthy Responses: Be Patient, Evolve the Situation
Pleasant Experiences
- Unhealthy Responses: Addiction, Obsessively / Mindlessly Repeating
- Healthy Responses: Savor, Enjoy, and Let Go When Finished
I suppose in life we cycle through all these states, and that’s part of the learning, growing, and experience. My sense is that we sometimes step into “unhealthy” behaviors out of forgetfulness or circumstances, yet in general it feels better to hang out in the “healthy” areas.
At some point, the young man was reflecting on his own life, and said, “I guess I just need to be grateful for what I have, and deal with the tough stuff as it comes.” I laughed and said, “That’s probably the advice I would have given you. That’s cool that you found it on your own.”
–goodmisfit
